This blog was previously published on Xanga February 13, 2013.
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'Tis that time of season for eternal bachelors and bachelorettes like myself to dread the most. You guessed it, Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day.
In fact, why haven't there been MORE Slasher Horror films made about this particular holiday over the last 1/2 century?
Since I am currently in the middle of writing a Valentine's Day Revenge Horror Story, I handwrote a few side notes for it yesterday.
Speaking of that holiday about LOVE, I managed to YouTube a review about the Slasher Horror film, Valentine. Valentine was a Valentine's Day Slasher, which released 4 months before my high school graduation in 2001.
I remember
hearing a few radio advertisements for Valentine compared to commercials for it on TV;
Most channels barely advertised this Slasher.
Valentine Trailer (2001)
Before watching Valentine earlier this morning, I watched a YouTube vlogger's review for it. The review was a nearly 50-minute rant by some angry man-child. He wasted more time ranting about how the beginning spoiled the entire plot of the Slasher than reviewing it.
Even though Denise Richards and the rest of the actresses played as villains in Valentine, the YouTube vlogger kept calling them misogynistic slurs as if they personally hurt him, ranted about there not being enough sex and nudity in it, and just kept ranting.
The Youtube vlogger seriously annoyed me yet he did make SOME valid points about Valentine being a bad Slasher Horror film. Because he threw a royal temper tantrum about Valentine, I chose to YouTube it for myself out of curiosity.
Yes, it was indeed a total failbag for what was supposed to have been a Slasher Horror but it did have the potential to be decent. Valentine was definitely more like a Valentine's Day Slasher Horror gone wrong.
For what was supposed to have been a Valentine's Day Slasher Horror, it appeared more like a Slasher Horror Spoof. There was nothing terrifying about the movie.
Gremlins was more horrifying than Valentine. The contrived acting from the actresses' was hilarious. Their acting for Valentine was just as contrived as a CBS Soap Opera.
Every time there was a murder scene, I couldn't help laughing my ass off. If I had any stitches, I would've popped every stitch from laughing so hard at that movie.
Valentine was a joke. Well, at least the bad acting provided me with lots of laughter. I mean, Twilight couldn't even do that for me. Now, that movie put me to sleep. Hmm... Maybe I should buy Twilight and use it as a sleeping aid. Well, I digress.
As I was saying, it was very hard to sympathize and empathize with the most of the characters in Valentine, which was understandable. It's a Slasher about a former nerd seeking vengeance on evil girls. That's something the vlogger didn't seem to grasp.
He kept ranting about how horrible the female characters were in Valentine. That was the entire purpose. The girls were childhood bullies.
The girls attended their 6th grade Valentine's Day Dance and treated the former nerd (mostly played by David Boreanaz) horribly. The girl, who was originally fat (Dorothy), gave Jeremy a pity kiss under the bleachers. Then, the bullies began spying on them.
Once the bullies saw Dorothy and Jeremy kissing, they started taunting them. This led to Dorothy slandering Jeremy by accusing him of sexual assault. Because of her allegations, he was beaten by the bullies. Jeremy was later placed into a reform school.
There were foreshadowings of comeuppance; All the evil girls, who rejected Jeremy at the Valentine's Day Dance, would receive horrible Valentine's Day gifts and brutal deaths.
13 years later in Valentine, Jeremy didn't resemble the same boy from 6th grade. He even changed his name. Therefore, neither of those girls recognized him as adults. Once Jeremy swore vengeance, most of their deaths were highly significant.
All of the bullies were sent Valentine's Day Cards with disturbing messages in them and their deaths reflected what they said to Jeremy in the past.
1) Katherine Heigl's character was a coroner. She said to Jeremy years ago, "In your dreams." He slit her throat and she died, while hiding in a body bag.
2) The girl, who said "Eeew!" to Jeremy received a box of Chocolates with maggots crawling out. Her corpse was later thrown into a dumpster.
3) The slutty friend (played by Denise Richards) told him in the past, that she "would rather be boiled alive." This resulted in her being electrocuted in a hot tub.
4) Dorothy (she lost weight years after slandering Jeremy for supposedly "sexually assaulting" her) was later framed near the end of Valentine.
While serial killing his bullies, Jeremy slandered Dorothy. He made another friend of hers, who he was currently dating, believe that Dorothy was behind all their friends' murders.
This was after Jeremy killed Dorothy. The last girl's life was spared because she was the ONLY girl out their entire clique, who was never cruel to him in 6th grade.
Little did she and all her evil friends know, that Jeremy was her recovering alcoholic boyfriend, at the second. Jeremy posed under the name, "Adam."
David Boreanaz and the Valentine Soundtrack were the best parts about this Valentine's Day Slasher Horror.
Like I already said, Valentine had the potential to be a decent Valentine's Day Slasher. Had Valentine been a novel, novella, or a short story, it could've been a lot better.
Valentine probably would've been much better on paper and bound to a book rather than acted out on a TV show or a movie.
I reiterate, watching Valentine felt too much like a Slasher Horror
Spoof, if not a contrived Soap Opera with horrible acting.
Anyway, if you want to watch Valentine, don't waste your money renting it. You can easily YouTube it for free.
In the meantime, I might watch the original version of My Bloody Valentine for Valentine's Day. Since I'm not in a relationship with a hunk, what do I have to lose on Valentine's Day? Besides, I already have Valentine's Day cupcakes to enjoy.
